"Worth It"

In my last post, I shared some ideals. Today I will talk about some struggles I have faced recently.

Sometimes I have struggled with the fear in my heart that this homeschooling journey will not be "worth it."

When our eldest was a baby and my dreams of and calling to homeschooling began to form in my heart, I had many idealist visions of "perfect" children who thrived in our homeschool; polite geniuses who had built-in best friends in their siblings, their classmates. A family who learned and served God together with joyful hearts. I'm sure many first time parents go into parenthood with such ideals.

Life surprises us.

We are bestowed with tremendous challenges and glimpses into heaven.

Our kids bicker, at times seemingly incessantly. We are driving home right now from a week long vacation. Everyone's tired and cranky.

I am tired and weepy, reflecting on another week gone by making memories, another year gone by and the changes to come in the next year.

What surprises will life bring us?

Our kids are not geniuses. They are bright and succeeding in our homeschool. They are all glad that we homeschool. Our eldest who will be in 8th grade this fall wants to continue to homeschool through high school. I think this is mostly because he knows he will have more free time and more choices in his education.

Our kids misbehave. They lie and disobey and yell and throw things. Even though we homeschool, they are exposed to things I wish they weren't and sometimes it feels like our home is under the attack of today's culture.

We have had difficult parenting challenges which have knocked the breath out of me until I am floundering, grasping to find the right decisions.

What makes homeschooling "worth it?" It is a large commitment, a huge undertaking, a big sacrifice.

What if your children are just like everyone else's?

What if homeschooling doesn't produce happier, smarter, better behaved children who are best friends with their siblings and love reading?

Notice the word "produce."

Charlotte Mason's first principle tells us that children are born persons.

They are not commodities, or products of our efforts. They are people.

They have a soul, a path that God has laid out before them, their own spiritual journey towards Jesus.

And they are sinners just like I am.

Charlotte Mason's second principle is that children are not born good or bad, but that they have the capacity for both.

We like to talk about how our children will make mistakes; how they need to learn from them.

That's all true.

But we don't like to think about how our children will sin.

Just like we do.

We can nurture them, love them, teach them and give our best example of being a disciple of Jesus; serving others, leading lives of love, worship and praise, apologizing and asking for forgiveness when we need to.

Buy they'll still sin. They will still have their own weaknesses. And strengths of course.

They'll still struggle. They will at times choose the wrong.

So what makes homeschooling "worth it?"

I really believe in homeschooling. I am a huge advocate and believe it is a wonderful option and I am so grateful to be able to do it. I have encouraged many moms who are considering it to make the leap, that they can do it and that it will be great for their children. I sincerely believe all of that. I am so grateful to have a husband who is incredibly supportive of homeschooling, who has faith in me and in this process. I believe more parents should educate themselves about it and consider it.

But it doesn't necessarily fulfill all of those new-mom, high, likely impossible, ideals.

Are our children better off for it? I think so, but I won't ever really know. 

It's not like you can go back and raise them a different way to see how they turn out.

Motherhood is really challenging.

Homeschooling gives no guarantees that your children will be smarter, happier, better behaved, closer to their siblings or to you, or that they'll live out the Christian faith as adults. Those things may happen. They may not. 

We could discuss all day whether homeschooling makes those things more likely or not. We still wouldn't really have an answer. But that's what we want, isn't it. We want answers. 

What we know for sure is that we can't control our children. We cannot take the responsibility for the choices they make, bad or good.

Is homeschooling "worth it?"

Are all of the infinite hours planning and teaching, the tears shed, the arguments fought, the spilled sequins and lost marker caps, the worry and doubts, the dried up Playdough in the cracks of the kitchen table and messy house, the endless meals to cook and dishes to wash, the hundreds of library visits and Amazon orders, the limitations on time for self care and home projects, worthwhile?

Even when I could send our children just down the street and have someone else do all of this?

Even when each September I feel a little envy knowing that other moms now gain six hours a day to themselves to get things done?

Or envy when I see photos on Facebook of others' children in Christmas pageants,  school concerts, becoming class president, going through graduation ceremonies and to school dances, and bringing home Mother's Day presents made at school?

Yes, I believe it is "worth it."

To me, it is.

But not for the reasons I envisioned with my first newborn in my arms.

God has surprised me with so much more; more than I knew to pray for.

Homeschooling is sanctifying; for me, and I hope for our children too.

I spend my days putting the needs of others before mine. When I spend the hours serving others, slowly, at times painstakingly, a servant's heart begins to form in me.

When I have so much daily opportunity to try to manage conflict in a calm way, I develop patience and self control.

When we have difficult days and I mess up and lose my cool, I eventually apologize and grow in humility.

When I laugh instead of getting angry when the two year old has colored all over her legs, stomach and clothes, I grow in joy and wisdom. I truly believe this. I believe that my capacity for joy has grown because of the many, many hours I have spent with children, with my own children who I love so much. 

When I am struggling and hurting, but lean on My Father in prayer, seeking the grace I need to do what I cannot without Him, I grow in faith and in friendship with Jesus.

I also try really hard to take care of myself, which is really important. I am a child of Our Father as well, and deserve that dignity. Furthermore, I can best fulfill my calling to care for others when I take care of myself, making self care critical.

I think and hope that homeschooling is also sanctifying for our children.

Because I am with them all of the time, I can help them work on their weaknesses whenever they arise. If a child lies, hits, disobeys, is unkind or has a bad attitude, it is addressed.

They are becoming familiar with Scripture and are developing a prayer life. They receive the sacraments regularly and witness how important they are in our family culture. As a family, we enjoy living out the liturgical calendar. Right now, our children look forward to going to Church. 

Still, no guarantees.

What makes homeschooling "worth it" is that I am living in obedience to what my Maker has called me to.

I know in my heart that I am sincerely living out my calling as best as I can. I am giving it my all. I make mistakes and I sin, but I am following the path God has given me as well as I can with His help. It is a winding road with many detours, but God gives me so many graces, big and small.

The grace to witness a child reading on the couch with a younger child, or teaching them how to write or what the water cycle is.

The overwhelming, powerful grace of watching my seven year old daughter at our Pentecost prayer service, praying and singing with all of her heart, praying with my prayer ministry team with courage, faith and deep sincerity.

The grace of school lessons in our back yard on a sunny June day.

The grace of realizing my education is ongoing and learning alongside my children.

The grace of autumn walks around our neighborhood, noticing the changing colors of the leaves, the intricate pattern of frost, the lively squirrels.

The grace of sharing scores of books together.

The grace during times of crises to come together in fervent prayer, to lean on our beautiful, loving community and experience their support, love and encouragement.

All is grace.

These graces received cannot be measured, and yet my human heart sometimes craves to measure them.

I crave to know that my efforts will be rewarded, that this will all be "worth it."

But the words "worth it" imply that there is some payment to be given worthy of the task, that I am expecting some compensation.

Do I not have a Saviour who died for me?

Is He not my King, my Dearest Friend and my God?

Have I not been given the gift of redemption and eternal life with my good and gracious Father?

Do I really trust Him?

Is not the road of sanctification, my journey beside Him, His outpouring of graces, His undeserved, incomprehensible sacrifice to gain me heaven;

Is it not enough?

Is living out the will of my Lord and coming closer to Him, closer to seeing His face, not enough?

It is abundantly, generously, lovingly and infinitely more than enough.

Anything else is just sprinkles on the icing on the cake :)

I cannot make a pros and cons list of my own salvation.

I pray for the perseverance and wisdom to joyfully stay the course.

Be Thou My Vision by Audrey Assad

Be Thou my Vision,
O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me,
save that Thou art

Thou my best Thought,
by day or by night
Waking or sleeping,
Thy presence my light

Be Thou my Wisdom,
and Thou my true Word
I ever with Thee
and Thou with me, Lord

Thou my great Father,
I Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling,
and I with Thee one

Riches I heed not,
nor man’s empty praise
Thou mine Inheritance,
now and always

Thou and Thou only,
first in my heart
High King of Heaven,
my Treasure Thou art

High King of Heaven,
my victory won
May I reach Heaven’s joys,
O bright Heav’n’s Sun

Heart of my own heart,
whate’er befall
Still be my Vision,
O Ruler of all