A Million Dreams of Heaven
As I peered out onto the sun shining on the Puget Sound late this morning, I announced that it was a perfect day. And it was. Today was a perfect day.
They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy.
They can say, they can say we've lost our minds.
I don't care, I don't care if they call us crazy--
Come and build a heav'n that we design.
Every night I lie in bed
The brightest colours fill my head;
A million dreams are keeping me awake.
I think of what the world could be;
A vision of the one I see--
A million dreams is all it's gonna take,
Oh, a million dreams for the heav'n we're gonna make.
However big, however small,
Let me be part of it all--
Share His dreams with me.
You may be old, you may be young
But say that you will come along
To the world I see
To the world I close my eyes to see
I close my eyes to see.
Every night I lie in bed
The brightest colours fill my head;
A million dreams are keeping me awake.
I think of what the world could be;
A vision of the one I see--
A million dreams is all it's gonna take,
Oh, a million dreams for the heav'n we're gonna make,
Oh the heav'n we're gonna make.
Yesterday was not, which may seem borderline sacrilege if I don't explain further, so bear with me. While of course yesterday we celebrated the most perfect and divine moment in the history of all history, I didn't feel very well. My last infusion having been just last Wednesday, I was still recovering, feeling achy and nauseous, and fighting a headache and deep tiredness. What's more, a cold that has possibly become a sinus infection has made sleeping even more of a challenge.
Easter truly went well. I was happy to rally to celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus, my Beloved.
But this morning, when I awoke, I felt like myself again. The chemo cloud of tiredness, sadness, depression, apathy, and hopelessness had passed away just as I knew that it would. The world was bright, the morning cheerful. The heaviness was lifted and I could feel Easter in my bones.
Easter truly went well. I was happy to rally to celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus, my Beloved.
But this morning, when I awoke, I felt like myself again. The chemo cloud of tiredness, sadness, depression, apathy, and hopelessness had passed away just as I knew that it would. The world was bright, the morning cheerful. The heaviness was lifted and I could feel Easter in my bones.
I spent the day with five of our children, Noah being home from school in Austria at ITI. We rode a ferry from Edmonds to Kingston, taking a picnic lunch with us. As I packed our lunch this morning, I had a joyful moment of realizing that I will spend my life packing picnics. It is one of my favorite things to do. It is a sign of fun and adventure and that a good day awaits. Someday, my children will be grown and have lives of their own and I will miss them terribly. There are times where I am overwhelmed with grief at the thought of my children growing up and leaving the nest, although I believe this deep love for my children is just another indication of our longing for heaven. However, in that moment of picnic packing this morning, the Lord reassured me that He will provide others for me to pack picnics for, whether that be grandchildren or others who will share adventures with me. There will never be a shortage of people to love.
I spent the day enjoying our children. I really like them. Perhaps that is obvious, but all relationships have their seasons, and right now I am truly really enjoying each of our children individually. They are all really lovely people and pleasant to be around and I am just so thankful for a day of just enjoying them. Of course, Joshua could not be with us, but he and I texted and I was also really happy to Facetime with him yesterday.
As we glided across the sparkling water on the ferry this morning, I shared with our children that if you can't be happy while riding a ferry in the sunshine on the Puget Sound, you'll never be happy. Of course we all have our ups and downs, and someone could certainly experience a hard day on a ferry boat. But at some point, we have to make a decision to not be broken by life, to choose joy, to allow God's grace to shine, to invite Resurrection into our lives and our hearts, giving room for the Holy Spirit to transform sorrow into beautiful transformation. A sunny spring day on the Puget Sound is a really good place to do that.
As we glided across the sparkling water on the ferry this morning, I shared with our children that if you can't be happy while riding a ferry in the sunshine on the Puget Sound, you'll never be happy. Of course we all have our ups and downs, and someone could certainly experience a hard day on a ferry boat. But at some point, we have to make a decision to not be broken by life, to choose joy, to allow God's grace to shine, to invite Resurrection into our lives and our hearts, giving room for the Holy Spirit to transform sorrow into beautiful transformation. A sunny spring day on the Puget Sound is a really good place to do that.
Leaving chemotherapy behind me, all praise be to God, I am forever changed. Cancer cells have been cut away and died, and at this moment, on the other side of chemo and at 44 years old, I am excited to see what the second half of life will bring. I intend to wring the life out of each day and hope to grow in my capacity to enjoy the present. About 23 years ago, Jason and I dreamed of a life raising and homeschooling a large family. Those dreams have come true with much grace and many surprises along the way. I am daring to dream some more. We still have a family to raise and I am so thankful, but the Lord is also allowing me to look up from myself, from my own cancer, even from my own family and dream a little bit more.
I graduate from St. Martin's next month with my masters in theology with the Christifideles program. I am writing a children's book that has been on my heart for many years. I am dreaming about Sanctus and how we are called to help build the Kingdom of God here in western Washington. I'm dreaming of mission trips and more adventures with our family. There is more to come.
The hardest thing about life also happens to be one of life's greatest qualities - everything changes. My season in chemotherapy is done. It is time for a new season and I am looking forward to it, whatever it may bring. If we can just bring ourselves to endure the really hard seasons with faith that something better is coming, we can find deep peace and even joy.
I graduate from St. Martin's next month with my masters in theology with the Christifideles program. I am writing a children's book that has been on my heart for many years. I am dreaming about Sanctus and how we are called to help build the Kingdom of God here in western Washington. I'm dreaming of mission trips and more adventures with our family. There is more to come.
The hardest thing about life also happens to be one of life's greatest qualities - everything changes. My season in chemotherapy is done. It is time for a new season and I am looking forward to it, whatever it may bring. If we can just bring ourselves to endure the really hard seasons with faith that something better is coming, we can find deep peace and even joy.
On our way home, we listened to the song "A Million Dreams" from The Greatest Showman and I found myself dreaming of heaven. (We watched the movie tonight while I did a little writing. If you ever need encouragement to dream a little bit, I would highly recommend this great family movie.)
Here is a silly rewrite of the lyrics with my eyes and heart on our Resurrected Lord and all His glory in heaven. ☺️
I close my eyes and I can see
Heaven's grandeur laid before me
And I am home.
Through the dark, through the storm,
Through all the hell that we endure,
I will finally come home.
They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy.
They can say, they can say I've lost my mind.
I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy.
We can live in the heav'n that we design.
'Cause every night I lie in bed
The brightest colours fill my head;
A million dreams are keeping me awake.
I think of what the world could be;
A vision of the one I see--
A million dreams is all it's gonna take,
Oh, a million dreams for the heav'n we're gonna make.
There's a house we can build.
Every room inside is filled
With peace and joy and love and friends.
The special things that He's compiled--
Each one there to make you smile
On a glorious day.
Here is a silly rewrite of the lyrics with my eyes and heart on our Resurrected Lord and all His glory in heaven. ☺️
I close my eyes and I can see
Heaven's grandeur laid before me
And I am home.
Through the dark, through the storm,
Through all the hell that we endure,
I will finally come home.
They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy.
They can say, they can say I've lost my mind.
I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy.
We can live in the heav'n that we design.
'Cause every night I lie in bed
The brightest colours fill my head;
A million dreams are keeping me awake.
I think of what the world could be;
A vision of the one I see--
A million dreams is all it's gonna take,
Oh, a million dreams for the heav'n we're gonna make.
There's a house we can build.
Every room inside is filled
With peace and joy and love and friends.
The special things that He's compiled--
Each one there to make you smile
On a glorious day.
They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy.
They can say, they can say we've lost our minds.
I don't care, I don't care if they call us crazy--
Come and build a heav'n that we design.
Every night I lie in bed
The brightest colours fill my head;
A million dreams are keeping me awake.
I think of what the world could be;
A vision of the one I see--
A million dreams is all it's gonna take,
Oh, a million dreams for the heav'n we're gonna make.
However big, however small,
Let me be part of it all--
Share His dreams with me.
You may be old, you may be young
But say that you will come along
To the world I see
To the world I close my eyes to see
I close my eyes to see.
Every night I lie in bed
The brightest colours fill my head;
A million dreams are keeping me awake.
I think of what the world could be;
A vision of the one I see--
A million dreams is all it's gonna take,
Oh, a million dreams for the heav'n we're gonna make,
Oh the heav'n we're gonna make.